The Night of the 2016 Iowa Caucus Was Long and Treacherous

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Iowa Caucus 2016

Yesterday was the highly-anticipated Iowa Caucus, where a small state with really white people somehow predict who the final nominees for the parties will be. And it’s the first caucus of the season and people try to win delegates and OMG I JUST FELL ASLEEP FROM TYPING THOSE SENTENCES.

Long story short, people look to Iowa to set the tone for the rest of the campaign season.

Anywho, the winner on the Republican side was Ted Cruz, and the only reason anyone is happy about that is he managed to beat Donald Trump, whose arrogance and awfulness as a person is why we must all rise up in a collective fast and prayer vigil to ensure he never wins. Mind you, Cruz is also a cartoon villain and he would be no better than Trump as President but we just wanted Trump not to come in first place. To humble him a little bit. Rubio came in a close third place.

The rest of the candidates lost sorely. Like… they should all just collect their things and go home.

GOP Iowa Caucus

There is just no joy here. Every one of them makes me wanna get as rabid as the animal who died to make a wig for Donald Trump to wear. They are what idiocracy looks like. Look at their faces. Smug bastards. The entire lineup of GOP candidates is proof that over-affirming kids can be bad, because mediocrity mistakes itself for superiority. This is what happens when your parents tell you that you can be anything. YOU CANNOT BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, MIKE HUCKABEE. I saw Rick Santorum was still on the ballot and I wonder why no one told him that sometimes, quitting is the ONLY option.

If anyone on the GOP side who got less than 5% of the votes is still in this race, they need to be given wedgies. You know what being a sore loser is like? Getting 2% of votes and not saying “OK FINE, I QUIT” immediately. How is it that they didn’t step up behind a podium and gracefully bow out this race?? They gotta let it go like Frozen. I bet 6 of the Republican candidates couldn’t even get their parking validated last night. They didn’t qualify. You had to get at least 5% of the votes for your ticket to be stamped, and well. They did not.

And Ben Carson is up there looking like Uncle Tom Ruckus. I can’t even. Is he even allowed at the Family Cookout anymore? Surely his card isn’t being renewed this year.

hate everyone gif

Anywho, the Democratic side is what made the Iowa Caucus long as hell. Many people thought Hillary Clinton would be a sure win, but Bernie Sanders showed up and gave her a run for her money. So much so that they essentially tied, which for Bernie, is a win. They were neck and neck when 98% of the precincts were reported so it was like double overtime. Hillary was eventually declared the winner, but that just happened today. I hoped someone was on the ground to hand out Neosporin to everyone who was feeling the Bern.

Oh and Martin O’Malley dropped out, after getting like 0.00000000003% of votes. And I was all “Who is Martin O’Malley?” He probably realized he was done in this race when folks saw him in Iowa and thought he was the best person to ask for directions on how to get to the Piggly Wiggly. And he was all “I AM HERE AS A CANDIDATE.” And they replied with “Sure ok.” Or “Do other people know?”

Dems Iowa Caucus gif

Bless it.

The campaign season continues and I’m already over it. I’m enthused about nobody and I’m disgusted by the entire GOP side. I’m on Team IHateEveryone2016. IDKNOTTRUMPTHO2016. PLEASEGODLETITBEOVERSOON2016. IDRATHERVOTEFORJAFARFROMALADDIN2016. ISITOVERYET2016

P.S. WHY AND HOW IS TED CRUZ ELIGIBLE TO RUN FOR POTUS??? Can’t someone call his Canadian-born ass to the carpet? Isn’t the Constitution vague enough for this to be challenged??

I just hate them all and I wish paper cuts and every other petty thing on the GOPs.

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