One of my favorite people, Samantha Irby, always talks about how old she is. Last week was her birthday, so in honor of the day the world got slightly less shitty, I had to tell people how old I am. I’m “If I wear heels out in public, I got a pair of flats in my bag” years old. I don’t have time for discomfort and the way my don’t give a fuck is set up, I’ll switch to those flats in a hot second.
I’m “Golden Girls is now on Hulu and that news made me squeal” years old.
Anywho, I dropped this on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page, and LuvvNation showed out talmbout how old they are too.
LaQuita: I’m “once I take this bra off, I’m not going back out” years old.
Danyell: I’m “Yeah, we can all go out but I’m taking my own car cause when I’m ready to go, I’m leaving” years old.
Anne: My friends don’t be understanding. You either in MY car or driving separate. I can’t be caged in on someone else’s time! Ugh!
Laura: I’m “keeps a pair of tweezers in the car in case of stray chin hairs” years old.
Rachel: I’m “if I wear heels there better be a table for me to sit at all night” years old.
Erin: I’m “WHY is the music so loud in this bar?!” years old.
Amber: I feel you. I’m the “Why is the music so loud in Target?” old.
Taylor: I’m I can’t eat that greasy sh*t after 7pm cause it’s gone f*ck up my stomach years old
Regina: I’m “you kids don’t know what real music is” years old.
April: I’m “ya’ll know I need to catch a nap before we go out” years old.
Lisa: I’m “once I’m home for the evening, there’s no way in hell I’m leaving again” years old.
Ebony: I am “peering out the blinds with the stank eye at the neighborhood kids walking on my grass” years old. I’m about 6 months away from standing in the doorway shaking my fist.
Tishika: I’m “turn down the radio so I can see the street signs” years old.
Araya: This and this again! Paired with “Let me put my glasses on so I can hear you” years old.
Kimberly: I’m “My knee hurts, it’s gonna rain tomorrow” years old.
Amy: I am at “Falls asleep on the couch at 10 pm, but can’t sleep more than 6 hours a day” years old. Apparently, it’s hormonal. I miss naps.
Audrey: My witching hour is 3:30 a.m. no matter what time I go to bed. Hell, I ought to be a farmer –if only I wasn’t so lazy and averse to working outside! Lol!
Sylvia: I’m “I can’t believe this is considered old school, I remember when that song came out, ” years old.
Kiersten: I’m “take 3 ibuprofen before you leave to go out dancing or to a standing room only show so your knees and ankles don’t have you trying to go home by the third song” years old.
Patrick: Testify! “Another damn general admission show? Don’t any of these joints have any seats?”
Scooter: I’m “knee braces under my palazzo pants, church fainting at New Edition, rolling my feet on a ball under the table and driving home with my bra in the drivers seat” years OL.
Tyra: I am “damn reading glasses all over the house, cause my perfect vision decided it had an unknown f-ing expiration date” years old.
Raina: I’m “wearing reading glasses over contacts” year old because these eyes is tired.
Dee: I’m “cut the fan on by my side the bed because I can’t sleep when I’m hot, I got everything in my purse from a bottle of honey, tweezers, flashlight, to a sewing kit, plus a notepad to jot down stuff I might forget, keep my drivers license and insurance card in my pocket in case my purse is stolen” years old.
Dominique: I’m “I’ll go but only if we go right after work. I gotta be home by 9:30 cause my bedtime is 10” years old. Also, “I remember having to come downstairs to change the TV channel for my parents” years old.
Kristen: I’m “leaving the concert before the encore so I don’t get stuck rubbing elbows with this mass of people on my way out” years old.
Kim: I’m “holy crap my boobs aren’t working to get me through this crowd anymore” years old.
Liz: I’m “if I get there and can’t find a decent place to park, it’s not meant for me to show up” years old. I’m not walking far AT ALL!
Cassandra: I’m “Oh y’all going out? Who gonna be there?” years old.
Karisa: Related: my mama told me I #MinusWell be an old church lady because I keep candy in my purse, keep tissue in my sleeve, and side eye the holy hell out of the loud kids in church. I’m only 35 yrs old.
Cyndi: I’m “if it’s not comfortable, I’m not wearing it” years old.
Reaux: I’m “here’s my coupon(s) and/or rewards card for almost every store ” years old.
Kimberly: I’m “What’s a Migos?” years old.
Mak: I’m “who the hell are all these mumble rappers named lil” years old.
Teri: I’m “I put my pajamas on the minute I get home from work” years old.
Ellen: I’m “well I’m in the shower so I might as well scrub the tile” years old.
Ty: I’m “Just cause I tell you on Tuesday that I’ll hang out on Friday don’t actually think I’m leaving the house. I lied to you I had no plans of going ” years old.
Francia: I’m “Jumped up during the Grammy’s to dance my ass off to The Time” years old.
Ennove: I’m “y’all bet’ not ask me to go outside until this living room and kitchen is spotless—when there’s only a random misplaced sock, and two forks in the sink” years old.
Lori: I’m “what do I list on my license for hair color – the brown I was born with, the gray I have or the blonde I buy?” years old.
Julie: I’m “If I were wine, I’d be really expensive” years old.
Carlye: I’m “Bitch I am READING a book at the bar please take your dick and leave me the hell alone unless you can tell me something I don’t already know about the Black Death” years old.
Ash: I’m ” wtf was I thinking, leggings are definitely pants” years old also “I’ve come to grips with my eternal tardiness, you should too ” years old.
Mary: I’m “can’t go to a concert where you have to stand the whole time” years old.
Kyna: I’m “the music is loud as hell in here and if I don’t cover up I’m gonna have to rub Vicks on my chest to keep away cold” years old.
Cydni: I’m “by the time I finish getting dressed I regret agreeing to come out” years old.
Janimal: I’m “people assume I’m a Republican” old. I’m “actually those kitten heels don’t seem so bad after all” old. I’m “can Luvvie’s new Shondaland show be on at 8pm and not 10pm please” old.
Rita: Too old to know the music of the Best New Artist nominees from the Grammy’s.
Melanie: I’m “if I’ve been sitting down for more than 5 minutes, I’m gonna need at least a minute of stretch time once I stand up or I may fall over” years old.
Katie: I’m “unabashedly yelling shut up at the loud youths in the movie theater”. Also “I want to go home early and I’m not even embarrassed that I want to go home early” old.
Marlene: I’m also, “not scoping out the young players on the field/court anymore but I’m checking for coaches and referees”, years old!!
Tinu: I’m “you need to give me at least two weeks notice before we go clubbing, because I need to prepare my mind to go out” years old.
LaQuita: I’m “Goddamn this girdle is cutting off my oxygen!” years old.
LaQuita: I’m “take a Women’s One a Day vitamin religiously” years old.
Tanya: I’m ‘my feet hurt so I gotta limp around the first 5 minutes after I get up in the morning and soak them in epsom salt in the evening’ years old.
Rachelle: I’m “I can remember when the original song that is sampled on _____(insert millennial rapper)’s track was hot in these streets” years old.
Jennifer: I’m “damn I gotta color these grays out of my hair AGAIN…just did this 2 weeks ago” years old.
Laura: I’m “all these lame ass people get on my nerves and ain’t doin’ shit, fix me a to-go plate and let’s go!” years old. With a side of “OH! can we stop by Target on the way home?”
Shane: I’m at the I now listen to grown folks music station on the radio and telling people “to turn that music down it’s too loud.”
Myles: I’m “pre-gaming = napping, and chasing it with a strong cup of coffee, before heading out for a night of foolishness with my friends” old. I’m also “you know I’m wearing my Nikes until we get to the venue, right” old.
Caprice: I’m “I now love wearing different wigs every day because I like confusing my coworkers” year old; they wanna say something but they just stare.
Michelle: I’m “sleeping with the ceiling fan, a standing fan and the AC on 65° while temporarily wrapped in 2 comforters cause menopause” old.
Laura: I am, “Dressed like a Korean Grandmother in my comfortable yet ridiculously fashionable jacket, scarf, turtleneck, harem pants, slippers combo.” With a side of, “Bish don’t ask me for s××× until you have an electric bill in your name” years old!!
Michelle: I’m “If I wear heels in public, it better be some wedges if you think I’m staying more than half an hour” years old.
Gail: I’m “going out tonight so have to stay super hydrated for ‘maximum youthful glow’…but not bloated cause these Spanx are already at capacity” years old.
Katy: I’m “well damn this Jewel (grocery store) is playing some good music tonight” years old.
LaTonya: I’m “you’d better call me while I’m still at work to tell me not to take my bra off on the way home cause once it’s off I’m going straight home for the day.”
Tamara: I’m forgot why the hell did I walk back into the kitchen years old. Oh and don’t even argue with lady that does my brows…Hell heffa if you see a stray hair or twenty get it. Damn always asking questions, years old.
Anne: I’m “stood up from my desk chair and my left knee cricked and just about took me all the way down” years old (this JUST happened 30 minutes ago smh)
LaQuita: I’m “gotta get home to catch Jeopardy & Wheel of Fortune” years old.
Johnnia: I got a friend who will hang up in yo’ face when Wheel of Fortune comes on… “It’s 7:30???… “click!!“
Tameisha: My Hubs commutes to and from work. He is on the road 7-8 and he know once he hear the Jeopardy theme song that our conversation is a wrap.
Cari: I’m “bring me the remote” [hollas from the room the remote is in to my son in another room] and “take this plate to the kitchen while you’re here” old.
Sarah: Old enough to give a woman an honest answer if she asks me if she looks fat. NOT PLAYING WITH YOUR FEELINGS, JESSICA.
Jeri: I’m …”I see you keep calling, but Imma keep sending you to vm, because I changed my mind about going”… years old.
Donna: I’m if it starts after 7:30 I can’t make it years old. Bedtime is 8 pm. No weekend exceptions. No emergency exceptions. So even if you’re in the ER make it before 7:30 or I can’t make it.
Rochelle: I’m “Everything goes snap-crackle-pop when I’m use stairs, dancing on tabletops in Mazatlan is a no go, all my doctors look like they’re twelve” years old!
Valerie: I’m “everybody knows not to bother me after work especially at 6pm cause that’s when Judge Judy comes on old.” “I can’t eat red sauce, red onions, or peppers after 5 pm old.” “I keep Pepto or Mylanta on deck old” “when I get up I have to stretch old” “the gods have been unkind and not gave me gray hair on the roof but on the under carriage too and if ya don’t like it leave it alone old cause I ain’t clean shaving nothing old.”
Danielle: I’m “take two aspirin before drinking wine and have one glass of water per glass of wine, and a gatorade in my passenger seat for the ride home, so I don’t have a headache in the morning” years old. My birthday is next month, at which point I’ll be “y’all better put meeting up for drinks on my calendar in advance, preferably right after work, and I’m wearing the same blouse and flats to the bar” years old.
Angela: I’m “my sugar is ackin up, so I’ll just have a small slice of cake and one teaspoon of ice cream, and if you put more on plate than that, I’m going to fuss you out but still eat all of it” years old. I’m “back in my day kids showed respeck” years old. I’m “better had had my butt in the house when the street lights came on” years old.
Faith: I’m “this little girl working at Starbucks asked me if I had a daughter because I look just like a girl she went to high school with” years old!!! That little girl low key ruined my day. Like damn I look old enough to have a kid out of high school! She almost got a peppermint mocha facial.
Denitria: LOL! I’m “If I go out after work I am going to be really crunk for a few hours, but around 9 or 10 pm it’s gonna be time to go home” years old.
Tina: I’m, “take off shirt, kick off covers, turn pillow over to the dry side, turn on fan, wake up, turn pillow over again to the drier side, wake up, turn pillow over again to the drier side, wake up……”….years old. I’m also, “drive 2 blocks before I pay attention to my eyes yelling at me to turn around, go back home and get my bi-focals, because they can’t see with the reading glasses I’m wearing…fool!”….years old.
Amy: I’m “finds a weird lump somewhere on my body and immediately checks to see if there’s one on the other side cuz if there are 2 of them, that probably means it’s okay” years old.
Khira: I am “To hell with Spanx, I need a real girdle and ugly bra” years old.
LaTonya: I’m “brown liquor is the devil and I can’t eat candy for breakfast anymore” old.
Janelle: I’m “There’s a Golden Girls marathon on, I’m in for the night” years old.
Diane: I am “is this my high school class song playing in the elevator” years old. Same age as “get off my damn lawn and shut the hell up” old.
Elise: I’m “13-year-old daughter, please figure out the settings on my iPhone and show me how to change the wallpaper on it” years old
Cyrita: I’m “If y’all don’t let me catch this nap, y’all gon catch dees hands! I’m not playing wit yo asses!” years old!
Johnnia: I’m, “what are all of these folks doing out on the streets in the middle of the day – especially when I get off work early” years old.
Sherita: I’m “my bladder ain’t shit, y’all gettin’ on my last goddamb nerves, yelling at the TV while having a glass of wine wearing a muumuu watching reruns of Sanford and Son while listening to my ‘fuck errybody’ playlist” years old.
Kim: I’m outside saying shit like “damn it smells like rain”, telling my kids “don’t throw that out, that’s a GOOD box” and managing to put a thong on sideways years old.
Jamel: I’m “I don’t know any of the songs/artists on this ‘Today’s Hip Hop & R&B Station’ so I listen to my iPod or NPR” years old.
Brittani: I’m “I know we made plans, but I’m secretly hoping you cancel so I can continue doing nothing from the comfort of my bed” years old.
Ashley: I’m “Ma’am” years old. I’m “Do I have to drive in traffic? Then, naw.” years old. I’m “Girls Night Out feels like the Golden Girls” years old. I’m “Don’t know a single person at the Teen Choice, MTV, People’s Choice, whatever choice Awards” years old. I’m “Can you unzip my boots, son? My back is acting up.” years old.
Christy: I’m “day drinking is great, cause I can get to bed on time” years old.
Frantz: I’m “Nope, I can’t. The Columbo Marathon is on!” years old.
Nichole: I’m “don’t touch my damn thermostat unless you putting something on these bills” years old.
Samantha: I’M “ONCE I GO DOWNSTAIRS I’M NOT GOING BACK UPSTAIRS UNTIL BEDTIME” YEARS OLD
CJ: Old enough to have one drink, pass out before 9, and wake up perplexed on the couch. I try to stay up late for Dateline though, lol
LaTonya: I’m “I take pictures of the small print on the haircare containers so I can enlarge it to read it” old.
Rebekah: I’m “checking out the hottie then realizing I’m old enough to be his mama” years old.
DeShawn: Better still: “A milkshake? You trying to give me the flying shits!” years old.
Miranda: I’m “sit down somewhere because yall making my house hot” years old.
Lori: I’m “only go to the movies during the day!” years old.
Face it. We’re youngold and it’s okay.