Bill OReilly Just Declared Victory In The Fictitious War On Christmas

In a print article shared on Twitter, conservative puss-slinger Bill OReilly has declared victory in the non-existent War on Christmas. After listing all of the examples of Christmas-haters he could think of, Bill wrote this insipid and masturbatory statement.

Truth is, the Christmas-haters were gaining ground, forcing their Grinch-like attitude on schools and stores and municipalities across America. Then something happened that might be considered a modern-day Christmas miracle. We fought back!

We, who is this we? Well, according to him, it is him, his network, his churches, and his pet groups! Which sane people of all faiths he is talking about is unclear, because most sane people of all faiths never noticed the War.

Fox News, churches, Christians, groups like the Thomas More Society, and sane people of all faiths decided it was time to stop the madness. We identified the most ridiculous examples, we called out the Christmas-haters by name. And, yes, we won. There was no formal ceremony of surrender, but most of the radical secularists retreated back to their caves and back into the woodwork.

Comparing the fictitious War on Christmas to not only Vietnam, but also the continuing conflict in North and South Korea, the Conservatives favorite Henny-Penny actually said that the sky has stopped falling but urged his cretinous followers remain vigilant and ready for future battles. Sadly, his audience will be bamboozled by this belligerent rhetoric, and will probably start looking for their Participant ribbon in mail for the heinous battles that never were.

OReilly also declare that now that John Stewart wasnt on the Daily Show to poo-poo the bloody battles, the most militant enemy in the war on Christmas is the Freedom From Religion Foundation, who in exercising their freedom of religion choose none. The goal of the Freedom From Religion Foundation is Protecting the Constitutional principle of separation of church and state, on their website. Gee, I guess in OReillys fantasy land only Christians have the right to display their beliefs in public.

There never was a War on Christmas, we know that, only an attempt to give respect and equal time to other peoples rights, even if their choice is to be free from the archaic tenets of religions. However, the lack of any such war ever happening didnt stop the vile right-wing pundit from self-crowning his network, and his fans, as victors in the fairy tale that Fundamentalists like to repeat among themselves in as gospel truth.

So give yourselves a well-deserved pat on the back for defeating the Grinches, at least for the moment. But dont get too comfortable because they will almost surely be back. Its worth remembering that North and South Korea are technically still at war with one another, 66 years after the shooting began. They co-exist under an armistice signed in 1953.

This, folks, is the way they actually see themselves as warriors in the fight to stop all others from enjoying their holidays, and enforcing a norm of winter celebrations to the point that many actually consider Christmas a true American holiday. If you are an American and you celebrate a holiday then your day is American too, period. However, if the Fundie whackjobs that have co-opted Christianity as their battle armor are finally going to stop trying to create a war that never existed in the first place, that is pretty good news for all of us.

Happy Holidays, all, and if you celebrate them Good Yule, Joyous Harvest, Magical Winter Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year, and a very Merry Christmas, Too!

Featured image via Twitter

‘s goal is to spread the doctrine of pleasure and free liberal thought in a land shadowed by Conservative privilege and religious oppression.

For more from Jen, check her out her blog at Huntress’ Uncommon Sense here

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